| GOODBYE! |
[05 Dec 2004|10:36pm] |
okay so im no longer writing in this journal, its filled with stuff from the past that i need to clear my head from sooo i've moved
add me if you want and ill add ya back
totalbrat
byebye past lol
xo jordan<3
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[05 Dec 2004|07:50pm] |
im sorry i LOVED the 90s.. screw the 80s, i'm so over that stupid ass phase.
we need to bring back bsb
and...................
siiiiikkkkeee
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[05 Dec 2004|01:10pm] |
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maybe you were all faster than me
we gave each other up so easily
these silly little wounds will never mend
i feel so far from where i've been
so i go, and i will not be back here again
i'm gone as the day is fading
last night was really nice :) mimi slept over and we talked for hours. like honestly, we talked about so many things, it was great. it's crazy how much everything has changed, and how suddenly they do. i think its even crazier that things can change so much without you even noticing until you sit there and you're like, damn, what happened? thats like what happens to me.. cause i live this life everyday so i dont really notice any changes because they happen right infront of me, but when i actually think about it, everything is different. it happened so fast too. "it hurts so bad, but its missed when its gone." i totally relate to that quote, because it applies to a lot of things in my life. i think the craziest part of this all is that the better i start doing in life, like in school and relationship wise, friendship wise and everything, the more im falling apart. i seriously dont get it. i guess im just not used to certain things, and new things in my life and itll take some adjusting. mimi and i were gunna go to the womens health center today for some *stuff* lol but it was closed :( thats ok though cause i can go on tuesday with her. theres just so much i want to and NEED to say and its like trapped within me, i have no outlet. i could write it over a million times and still not be able to let it out. i want to scream at the top of my lungs and just release myself but i cant. we talked a lot about something thats been going on with me, thats really serious and shes pretty worried about. so am i, i mean its really bad but i cant stop. it's getting so bad too, and i know the risks but i dont think of it at the time im doing it. when will i learn? i swear i think if i was on my deathbed i still wouldn't realize what i do to myself. i tell mimi about someone because i want her to feel like theres hope. like i love talking about it cause i can see it on her face that she wants it so bad, and i think she loses sight of it sometimes. no one wants to be alone, not anybody.
its crazy when we look back on how things were cause its like we grew up so fast, but we're not really even grown yet. we have a whole life ahead of us, as much as we think we've lived and experienced, it's nothing compared to what we're gunna see. last night she was talking about how it feels like nothing changes, and i used my life as an example and she was like "whoa" and so was i going over it, cause even i forget things that have happened. like over the past year, we were thinking about it.. and so MUCH has gone on and so much has changed, its insane.
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[04 Dec 2004|09:47pm] |
turn around now
i knew you, smiles and all
always running from things
so far gone now
she sings to an empty audience
spilling her heart out against the pounding of keys
sweet melody of the lost
and the found
his arms like elevators
picking her up from the bottom
lifting her to a place where theres no
telling
theres no difference
between the ups and downs
words like tidal waves wash through
her eyes
through the eyes
of a girl who could always run from things
in her summer dresses with her long blonde pigtails
but years pass like emotions
so strong and numb
falling through the cracks
weaving in and out of hope
clinging to the threads of life
so frail
so paralyzed, boxed in
against these four walls
the smile is there for them all to see
laughter in the halls of confusion
until the lights go out and shes left
with herself
with the loneliness of not knowing
with the questions that never meant to sound like this
holding onto herself
this empty shell of someone who was once was alive and well
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[03 Dec 2004|11:06pm] |
you'll never see the courage i know
its colors' richness won't appear within your view
i'll never glow the way that you glow
your presence dominates the judgements made on you
but as the scenery grows, i see in different lights
the shades and shadows undulate in my perception
my feelings swell and stretch; i see from greater heights
i understand what i am still too proud to mention, to you
you'll say you understand, but you don't understand
you'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
but never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie
you'll never touch these things that i hold
the skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
you'll never feel the heat of this soul
my fever burns me deeper than i've ever shown, to you
you'll say, don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
you'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
but never is a promise and you can't afford to lie
you'll never live the life that i live
i'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
you'll never hear the message i give
you'll say it looks as though i might give up this fight
but as the scenery grows, i see in different lights
the shades and shadows undulate in my perception
my feelings swell and stretch, i see from greater heights
i realize what I am now too smart to mention, to you
you'll say you understand, you'll never understand
i'll say i'll never wake up knowing how or why
i don't know what to believe in, you don't know who i am
you'll say i need appeasing when i start to cry
but never is a promise and i'll never need a lie
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[02 Dec 2004|07:06am] |
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my toes have frostbite, literally
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| i want to cry |
[01 Dec 2004|02:42pm] |
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so im in english class right now, except its not my class. it's 6th period now and im supposed to be in journalism but instead im trying to make up some work from all the days i was absent. as of now, i think i have an F.. went down from a B in just a few weeks, what the hell is wrong with me? this is supposed to be my "favorite" subject and it's by far my worst grade. god after this progress report is the final grades, how the hell can i get a decent grade when i'm trying to raise it from an F.. honestly, i cant take this right now. maybe school just isn't for me, cuz no matter what i do, i just cant stay on top of things.
i need to do some serious thinking to figure out what im gunna do
im not even gunna be home tonight to make up anything.. i hate my life right now
sdjkahdjksahdjkshadjkhsad
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[30 Nov 2004|07:03am] |
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what the hell.. theres ice everywhere on the ground outside. this is CALIFORNIA, not alaska.. its too damn cold :(
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[29 Nov 2004|09:10pm] |
these days are slow
seconds pounding away at my sleepless body
moving at their own pace
theres speechlessness on my tongue
with a taste, the trace you left
the only way to find my way
for me to figure out
what bitter love is supposed to taste like
and im somewhere between my frozen insides
clinging from the ache of moments passing
and in those brown eyes i lost what i found
in this green eyed boy who was always there
but too sweet for me to taste
no air in my lungs
no blood in my veins
stolen the vital parts of my body
take me apart
examine my insides
to better study my intentions
all that i wish to be for you
and for me
i want to be the sea that keeps you safe
the tides that pull you into me
seperated from the world
contained within youself
and if you were to look away and find yourself
in somebody else
there'd be no reason to wake
if only i could be
in your arms tonight
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[29 Nov 2004|04:17pm] |
i feel so fucking ugly
im not eating a god damn thing today
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[28 Nov 2004|10:35pm] |
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~* eminem * mockingbird*~ |
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when i was with you for so long , i lied to myself and made you out to be something you were so far from. i always knew you were a liar but i lied to MYSELF to make myself believe that you were worth it, when in reality, you are a piece of shit. not to mention the biggest dog i've ever encountered. i love how you went from begging for me back to calling me "just a body" with no substance, because your stupid ass wasnt with "just a body" for 3 fucking years. and yeah, it was a total waste because you are not only boring, you lack humor, and youre fucking ugly. oh you want to talk about headcase? dont even get my started you fucking INSANE freak. i have never met someone so fucking lost in their head and so sick in my LIFE. you can sit there and have your moment of glory but when you realize that you're nothing, and you have nothing, i hope it hits you what you took from me and yourself. you ruined me more than you will ever know, and i hope i ruined you too because all the shit i took from you for so long. you must be shallow to think that "life" is based on fucking confidence and how much pussy you get. oh and trust me, you wont get much. youre not even good in bed at all, you are like impaired when it comes to anything sexual. thank god you were my first cause i dont think i could deal with another you. you never cared about me motherfucker? is that why you fucking cried over me and begged for me? the whole mistake and regret part, fine, i dont give a shit because i regret everything with you.. and im glad you dont want to hear or see from me again cause thats what ive suggested for a while now. honestly haha wowwww youre so fucking UGLY. i was thinking about it today, and um.. why did i even care about you? you bored the shit out of me, youre ugly as fuck, and youre a fat, weak, loser. it cracks me up that you think youre some awesome party goer now cause you got drunk, what 3 times in your life? haha wake the fuck up. love really is blind, cause boy was i BLIND. its so sad that the closest you can get to a girl is staring at them in mini skirts, so saddd.. at least i have something now, and trust me, you dont even come close to what i have. not only is he fucking HOT, and amazing in bed, but he is the funniest, most comforting and caring guy i've ever met. in these few months we've been together, i've felt more with him than i felt with you in 3 fucking years, that says something. when he looks at me i get this feeling that i cant even describe.. i actually want to wake up now, i never did with you. you had me in the hospital like 3 times. i'm actually excited for the future now, because he's in my life. not only are we friends, but so much more and its the most amazing feeling i've ever had. this is love it's not some fake and fabricated crap we had. so all in all, i'm totally glad this will never be anything. i'm so glad i dont have to hear your pathetic voice every night or listen to the bullshit you fed me for so long. so yeah, i guess i did lie to you so i apologize.. all the times you said "baby im so fat, i'm so ugly.. i hate myself" and i told you that you weren't, well scratch that because you are fucking repulsive, and you should hate yourself because theres nothing about you worth anything.
have a good life sweetie!
byebye<3
ps) have fun smoking some "fat joints" and jamming to your cool "dance music" hahaha
pathetic.
keith i love you SO much and i'm so excited to spend christmas with you! and new years :) omg its gunna be so fun.. i miss mommy and daddy and everyone, even little emily. i feel so at home with you, and i can be myself. you tell me im beautiful when my hairs all messy and im in your sweatshirt and shorts. when i wake up next to you, i feel so complete as cliche as it sounds. i thought i loved nick, i was lost in myself and my loneliness for so long, but with you its so different. i dont only need you when im sad or lonely, i need you when im happy. you give me so much to look forward to, and each day is worth it for me. i haven't felt that empty feeling i had with him since he's been out of my life and you've been in it. i cant ever thank you enough :) the way you look at me, and hold my hand, the way you kiss me and do the cute little things you do.. god i cant even get into it cuz i'm so speechless. lately everything has been so amazing and jdshfjkshf i just LOVE you, and its not out of need or sadness or anything.. cause we laugh together, and joke together and its so AMAZING. i wish i had the words to thank you and to describe what you have done to and for me, but i cantt!!!! just know that you are the most amazing, caring, and worthwhile person i've ever met. your heart is so pure, and you're so deserving of the world. and i'd give it to you if i could!
i love you so much!
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[28 Nov 2004|09:06pm] |
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i love desperate housewives<3
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[28 Nov 2004|12:37pm] |
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eminem<33 |
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maybe tomorrow i wont dread
today as much as i did
waking up alone in the glow
of a cold november
learning to fall into love
with someone who wont tear me open,
leaving me to fall apart
maybe he wont need to be
the stitches to me
and its quiet now
in these white halls of my concealment
so much less than i was hoping for
so much more that i could see
woke up screaming loud
with those words slipping from my tongue
like ice cubes melting
rain pouring down
rolling from my eyes
smearing down my cheeks
washing away the memories of
forced meaning of
your smile
as i watched your eyes and
thought i found what you had been hiding
just like these walls
of my concealment
lamented in this place
where ive been left to
be driven crazy
mimi called me this morning with some totally HORRIBLE news, but so good ina way <33 honestly, what the fuck is wrong with guys? that ok though cuz theyll miss out in the enddd. things have been okay i guess, not as great or as bad as they could be. i think its a good thing when you know something for SO long and someone denies it, and then stuff hits the fan and you find out you were right all along. i have no guilt now, no nothing. i have a like 12-15 page paper to write by tomorrow morning, its 12:30 something and i havent started. im gunna die of frost bite in jersey :( omg if i think its cold HERE, im in a for a surpriseee.. my hands are like ice right now. okay i had so much to write earlier but whatever im over it.. sooo now im gunna write my paper
byebye :)
we only influenced each other
we only bruised each other even more
how long can a girl be shackled to you
how long before my dignity is reclaimed
how long can a girl stay haunted by you
soon i'll grow up and i won't even flinch at your name
i'd be paralyzed if i ran into you
my tongue would seize up if we were to meet again
soon i'll grow up and i won't even flinch at your name
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[27 Nov 2004|08:03pm] |
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dido |
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at like 2, ilana and i went to the gym and basically did nothing cause we're lazy asses.. funny times though, really funny.. after we stopped at starbucks to see if this guy she thinks is hot was there, but he wasnt :( thenn we went back to her house and pigged out like whoa, and watched some porn, including the paris hilton video.. i'm so saddened by how sexually impaired she is.. id think she was this dirty, awesome at sex girl, but i was so wrong! i mean when she was sucking his dick.. haha wow, she was like ONLY licking the top and stopped every like 5 seconds. bad bad move. then when she got on top, what the hell was that? lol whatever i still love her. after that we downloaded songs from the 90s and had a total sing a long session.. im sorry but i LOVED the 90s. so i have a 12 page paper to write by monday, i'm screwed :( oh well thoughhh. i'm getting fat as hell, this has to come to a screaching hault. ilana and i are making a diet plan, and then we're "detoxing" lol go uss.. we better stick to it this time. we did in the summer though, we did good <3 i got home and there was a message from zack, i guess hes back at home? okay im so out of words
xoxo
<3jordan<3
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| i think youre truly somethin speciallll just what my dreams are really made offf |
[27 Nov 2004|10:14am] |
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~* tamia * so into you *~ |
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( Read more... )
oh my GOD, you're the most pathetic person i've ever known in my LIFE. hahaha so i clicked your journal today after your pathetic self left a comment on my journal and i saw your interests, i actually laughed outloud. so you're gone for what, a week, and you come back and suddenly like all the things you've made fun of ME for all these years? haha wow, you need to do some inner searching cause you're one screwed up little boy. beer (thought you hated it), CLUBS loll, DANCING Hahsjkahjkhn, parties, TANNING LMAO, oh my GOD, who are YOU? ew whatever though i shouldnt even write this cause it makes me look like i care, but i so dont. i'm so glad you're no longer in my life. you were the biggest mistake i've ever made. you dont even understand, the fact that we are no longer talking, is like this HUGE weight lifted. i never even loved you, i really didnt. cause if i look back, what was there to love? you were selfish, arrogant, CRUEL, and just nothing i look for in anyone. especially someone i could possibly love. i must have been so blinded by my need.
anyway
so last night was the cutest ever. keith called me and named over 100 reasons why he loves me, it was so cute haha.. then he said the cutest thing e-v-e-r.. "youre the girl i can bring home to my parents" i was like aww how cute!! his mom emailed me last night, i love her :) i cant wait to be back there for christmas, i feel so at home when im there.. yayy, i can even have snowball fightsss..i dunno, as bad as things get here, the second i talk to him.. everything just disappears.. and the best part is that even if im beside myself, he LISTENS. this is a great thing that i have to get used to, he's perfect<33
ew the nastiest thing happened last night.. my mom came over and started throwing up in MY BATHROOM. i was on the phone with keith and he could hear her.. god how nasty and inconsiderate is that? my bath was even running cause i was about to take one, and she just ran in there.
MOVING ONNNNNN
mimis in like santa barbara all weekend, i miss her :(
i've been so lazy lately, next weekend i'm staying out from friday-sunday
i'm sick of being here, time to have sum fun :p
xoxo byeee!
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[26 Nov 2004|10:26am] |
so thanksgiving was so bad. haha no, seriously. i woke up and the yelling started extra early this year.. honestly, this family is absolutely INSANE. i got in trouble at like 9am and went nuts and started screaming.. then at like 12:30 or something we went to my uncles house. that was just a disaster in itself, but part of it was cool. im being so vague, but thats okay. basically, i ate for like 104 people.
i couldn't go to maxwells show the other night cause i had no way to get there.. another perk of having no good friends at venice.
hmm so i have nothing to say at all.. ill update later i guess
i love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where i can breathe
i believe there is a
distance i have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
i believe this is heaven to no one else but me
and i'll defend it as long as i can be
left here to linger in silence
if i choose to
would you try to understand
i know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
i am drunk in my desire
but i love the way you smile at me
this is heaven to no one else but me
and i'll defend it as long as
i can be left here to linger in silence
if i choose to
would you try to understand
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[24 Nov 2004|08:56pm] |
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~* sarah mclachlan * do what you have to do*~ |
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so i was just watching 60 minutes cause it happened to be on.. and there was this thing about abercrombie, and all the cases against them because they try to uphold the "all american" image, rarely hireing anyone other than white. so what? i mean its perfectly fine for there to be stores with all black people working there, which targets primarily black people.. they have it for every race, and it's perfectly fine. but the second there is anything with only white people, its racist. i think thats bullshit, get the hell over it already. the people living now werent affected in any way from the time of slavery or when blacks werent considered human. if anything, the "minorities" are taking over now. at least in california. no, i'm not racist but this bothers me. because there are all black colleges.. but if a college wanted one for only white people, thats considered "racist." theres the black student union, young black scholars, etc. but if i were to ask to have a "white student union" i'd probably get my ass kicked and get told that im a racist pig.. oh WELL just another one of my rants, sorry if i offended anyone.. but they're my views.
today was really nice, mimi and i ditched and had a great day, we talked about everything and laughed like the losers we are over such dumb things lol.. so i have a 15 page paper due after break.. kill me NOW :( !!!
keith and i dont talk much lately.. it sucks
xoxo
jordan<3
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| “if the person doesn’t take the time, the time will take the person” |
[23 Nov 2004|09:27pm] |
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chevelle |
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so i've talked to keith for, what, 5 minutes today? whatever.
this day officially went down the drain, especially after this conversation i just had.. and i did something wrong? great.
i dont want to go to school tomorrow, i probably wont.
actually what i want to do, is buy a ticket and fly out of this place.
or drive out of this place, i dont care, as long as the destination is away from california.
need is a hateful thing sometimes
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[22 Nov 2004|07:17pm] |
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you kissed me and
every piece went back in place
every pain got erased
okay today was, absolutely, freezing. i woke up today totally unprepared to take whatever tests i've missed recently. 4th period came around, and we had a sub which took weight off me cause i obviously couldnt retake the test. then 5th period i was so upset cause i KNEW i was gunna fail my test, well i got a B.. wooo that made my day. i'm so excited for christmas!! i get to spend it with such a loving, and AMAZING family :] i hope keiths lake freezes so i can skate on it and break the ice with my fat ass, and fall in and die. haha just kidding, but knowing MY luck.. that will so happen. anyway, nothing really happened today. at least nothing to write about.. things are ok.. slowly looking up.
xoxo
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[21 Nov 2004|05:15pm] |
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~* mariah carey * i only wanted *~ |
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doesnt it ever stay?
must it always fade away?
i think i'm getting a little too personal in this journal, and that needs to stop. i'm gunna update regulary but it's not going to be filled with depressing things as it has been for a while. i've never thrown my emtions out like this before, and i'm not comfortable with it.. so thats why i have a new journal for myself, only. there i can spill my heart out and not hold back because of who reads it. but yeah, i'll still write as much as i do now in this one, just minus all the sad crap.
anyway, this weekend i did nothing. i'm really really tired and i'm dreading school tomorrow :[
i have to write a sonnet tonight, ew. i hate them, i have no idea what to write. i'm not good at writing when it's an assignment. so yeah the wind outside is CRAZY!
i walked out and my hair like flew backwards lol what a sight. then a leaf stuck onto my face while i was talking to keith.. man oh mann okay well im g unna go write my sonnet
<3 xoxo
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lusciousxkisses's journal